TORN SOUL

As I sit here

All I can do is cry.

My smile has faded.

My happiness is gone.

My reason for living thru this pain is becoming irrelevant.

What’s wrong?

Well, What isn’t wrong?

My family abandoned me

My urge for intimacy is strong but can’t seem to find someone I can trust.

Someone told me I was misunderstood.

Others that don’t know me think I’m a bitter bitch that has a major attitude.

I’m just going thru things that I choose to bottle up.

I hate telling my feelings.

I hate being a good friend knowing I can’t trust most of the people I call friends.

I’m on the verge of destruction.

I am so hard on others because I am extremely hard on myself.

I won’t cry in front of you because I hate judgement but yet I can take it.

Love? 

What the FUCK is that?

Please!

Leave me alone.

I don’t need someone else with broken hope.

I’m Not Strong Enough

In about 3 weeks, on January 4th…

It will be 5 years since my sister left this place.

It always leaves me feeling like she JUST left

Over and over again

And during times when I swear I just want to give up

And believe me there are plenty of those…

I remember having a conversation with her once…

Telling me that I should never make apologies for who or what I am

Never let anyone else’s ideas of who you should be…

Taint who you know that you are

For most people the holidays can be happy times

And for some it is sad and depressing…

For me…

Getting past the holiday season is greeted with the fact

That 5 years ago…just after all the decorations and celebrations were over

That cold early morning call came in to me

Jen, mom won’t wake up

I don’t think she is breathing,,,

There is NOTHING…

NOTHING…

That can prepare you for THAT kind of heartache

She was strong…

The most beautiful kind of strong

And while I, often, quite desperately

Try to recall our millions of conversations

There is only one that tends to stand out…

When I was very ill…

Just waking from a coma

She came to see me…

She grabbed my hand and smiled

Her blue eyes sparkling…

I knew you would be okay

How could you have known that?

I am not strong enough to live without you

God will have to take me first…

And so it was…

Please make the most of your moments

Those that you are certain will be here no matter what

Won’t

Those phone calls you have put off until tomorrow

Those visits to the family that KNOW U LOVE THEM

Make those calls and visits…

There is nothing worse than

A life filled with regret and sorrow

So during this holiday…

Hold your loved ones close

I love you all