There she is with paper and pen, trying to think of ways to let people in. With such a complexed mind it’s hard to even think of the time. The time where she first became defined, the time where she first lost her mind. With so many walls up you would think she went to hell and back. She did, the deepest darkest part of hell in her mind. Growing up people didn’t realize the toll it took, or the many different ways her brain began to operate. When you’re told lies from the first time you opened your eyes, to the last time you seen the devil in disguise. She went from being that young always happy girl, to the one that stopped giving her hair a twirl. Day by day she was dying inside. No one thought about it, but just tossed it aside. Years go by and she tries to figure out why. No one ever told her she grew up believing every lie, that’s when the pain became intensified. She waited for it to subside, yet only felt more and more dead inside. It came to be she wasn’t remembering, her only defense mechanism. If she felt a certain way, heard the tone in a voice that she always wanted to go away. She blocked it out, no one could hurt her that way. Now she’s an adult, she’s got so many feelings and not a clue on how to let them out. She never learned to talk it out, only that her emotions didn’t matter..without a doubt. She has always been one of the pretty girls, even in high school. It went unnoticed when her hair was no longer ever in a twirl. The fire within her died, she tried her best to feel alive. Coping skills in every direction..drugs, anorexia, she even turned to cutting, just to feel something. There was such a thrill that gave her a chill. Seeing her blood spill gave her hope that something was real. Years went by and her self destruction only progressed. Between the booze mixed with narcotics, she thought she might’ve faded her psychotics. Without recognition she took more controlled substances, a whole bottle down. There wasn’t a thought in her mind to be found, she blacked out. A day later she woke up in a psychiatric unit, “Where the hell am I?!” She thought out loud. She didn’t want to be, she felt annoyed that she wasn’t left alone for the pills to have complete control of her body. Bruises on her skin, restraints after she was brought in. Scared heartbroken people around her, they just wanted to save her. She didn’t want to be saved, she was tired of all the pain she’s always had to hide. She just wanted to die, there was no sparkle left in her eye. Her skin was as pale as it’s ever been. She felt as if she was a zombie, questioned if she was even breathing. After she felt more human she began to explore the place she woke up in. The walls were blank, the beds felt like a plank. When she met the other people, she knew she was nothing like them. She didn’t see what wasn’t there, or hear voices. All she ever wanted was relief from damage that had been done. Whether it was a quick slice of her skin with the end of a pen, or denying a meal to listen to her stomach squeal. She wanted control of herself, she wanted to ease the pain and not feel so insane. Her suicide attempt made her mind so deranged. The thoughts of being alive, yet wanting to commit suicide. She never had hope or ambition. Before she woke up in the psychiatric unit, she thought she really blew it. What type of hurt and bottled up emotions would cause such a chain reaction, to be so low that you feel like absolutely nothing. Internal scars are reminders that she is alive. As alive as she will ever be. She asks for you to be patient, as she’s still trying to let the past be. A woman with such a great heart, has lived a life that wasn’t off to the best start. She’s grown now, she’s built barriers around herself. She is no longer young, or put on a shelf. She protects her complexed mind, she is divine.
I suppose you can put the blame on me. This is not who I asked to be, I always wanted there to be more to me. I never wanted to be the one that was too blind to see. By the time I was able to see, I captured all the fucked up pieces of me. From my childhood to the woman I am today, there’s so many different scars inside of me. I know it kills you that I don’t trust you, or that I can’t right away. If you think about it, what has trusting anyone ever gotten me? A bruised heart with thoughts of what could be? This has nothing to do with intimacy in a relationship, this has to do with the woman inside of me. There are bits and pieces of me that I wish you could see, then maybe. Maybe you would be able to see all the fucked up parts of me. This way that I am is not a way that I want to be, and it drives me completely crazy. Once you gain trust with me, you will slowly begin to learn the deepest darkest parts of me and why I am the way I am.
Did you hear that, or was it just me? So many people tend to over look mental disorders as well as the severity of them. We can be the voice of the ones suffering, even if we are not suffering from the sickness. Mental disorders are one of the most serious disorders that we as human beings face daily. Whether it’s depression, anxiety, or voices in our heads. More times than not individuals who suffer DO seek help, it becomes overlooked until that person no longer has a voice to speak with or a breath to breathe. Suicide is as real as the demons we face. There may be people that aren’t comfortable with speaking about their mental disorders, when they are be the person they confide in. Don’t be the one to make the person feel like what might be going on in their mind doesn’t matter. It all matters, from the way we think to the way we love. With how much hate is already in the world, be the one to love. Be the one to show empathy.
The past is not always glamorous
It is a reminder of how far you’ve come
Once you act out a decision
It can never be undone
Lying to love ones who trust you
Afraid of the consequences ahead
Consumed by a guilty conscious
When honesty was the key instead
Begging for forgiveness
And pleading your case
Owning up to your dishonesty
Is the best way to save face
Let this be a lesson learned
When honesty is required
So your relationships remain in tact
Instead of being burned as a liar
Insomnia is the worst right? Laying there thinking of all the things that could go wrong or right, whether it’s worth the fight. The most creative people suffer the most at night, when all of our demons come to light. It’s the early hours of the night, something doesn’t feel right. All these thoughts creeping up with the dark. Depression settles in, losing sight of all the things that have been done right. At this moment it feels like losing becomes a delight. That isn’t right. I’m here to fight. I’m here to remain doing what’s right, not to lose this fight. All of the forgot about thoughts, overwhelm my mind until I see that morning sunshine.
From the abuse, I never thought I’d get used to another way. Now you’ve come, my pain slowly fades away. I learned to never disobey, even if the trust wasn’t clear face to face. Anxiety was a word, until you came along and made mine absurd. The constant clicking in my mind, could never be defined. I began to sleep less, hate this and that. You were a time bomb waiting to have me undress. Stripped naked of all I’ve ever known, you turned me into your mini clone. As promised, I’d never be alone. Right you were, I’m never alone. I have constant reminders of who you were, inside I feel like just skin and bones. Every person I run into has to deal with a part of it, too. With the right people and compassion, your actions will soon fade away. The internal scars are here to stay, but that’s okay! By being this way you’ve taught me that all I need is myself to stay. I’ve got no one to repay, I build myself back up from where you expected me to lay.
She’s a beauty queen but always caught in between. The dope fiends and the ones that won’t let her be. She wants simplicity, she’s never had that type of sanity. Her life’s always been a mystery. Day by day, she’s got nothing to say but some prays to lay. Hoping that maybe, one day she’ll gain the courage to finally say..That she’s tired of searching for the easy way. She’s tired of coming home, hoping that the hand won’t be laid. She’s tired of the broken promises and a man that she doesn’t want to stay. He uses her for a bed, a hot meal and when he wants to get laid. As twisted as it is, here’s the newest twist. He knows what he’s doing when he wants this, he wants a child out of this fucked up played out to be relationship. Why would you do this, what kind of love is this? Use and abuse, to get your way. Get laid, to bring an innocent child in just to stay? I’m at a loss of words for men this way. You’re not men, but cowards..in each and every way.
Your presence lingers around me, as well as your scent. You kiss my neck and it’s like the first time, all over again. You bring me the sweetest form of happiness.
Your presence lingers around me, like something I’ve never known. You are my safe place, you are my serenity. For what feels like could be all of eternity. In such a short amount of time, you are everything to me.
I was 16, you were the only soul I seen. Now I’m 22, left with what I thought was an image of you. Who are you? That’s not the girl I thought I knew. What happened to you? Did all the money and booze really get to you? Such an amazing girl wasted into what others wanted you to do. Are you ever the truest version of you? Doesn’t it get tiring constantly having to be someone new? No one knows you anymore, the persistent lies to hide what’s within you. Open your beautiful brown eyes.. You’re destroying those who genuinely love you, for the real you.