Idle Thoughts

Lately I’ve been thinking about you a lot.. Random memories.. Our laughter.. When we hung out… Your hands and the what ifs and could be’s, possibles and maybes… Like what if we tried harder, could we have been something more? I doubt it, though. I believed we ran our course, no matter how hard we tried. The love was there but not the will… The will to do what it would take to make it work had long been gone… The desire to put all else aside and focus on what was important had left early on… The remnants was just flavor… Sprinkled about, scattered… Neither of us wanted to admit fault or defeat so we held on… Not realizing holding on does more harm than letting go… Not realizing we are wasting time and letting life pass us by…Not realizing the longer we hold on, the farther apart we will be and resentment would grow… Holding on was detrimental to both of us. We just didn’t know at that time. But, what were we really holding onto? Memories of days gone, love lost, crazy arguments and physical fights, lies, other people and drama…. What exactly were we holding onto? The good times: the laughter, the love, the tight knit friendship, the Bonnie & Clyde aspect of us… You and me against the world, that undeniable, impenetrable, unyielding, inseparable force that we once were when we were in love…was that it? I don’t know. Do you have regrets? Would you do it all over again? I would in a heartbeat… You taught me valuable lessons.. You showed me your version of a woman…You taught me to fully love unconditionally until there were conditions.. You taught me to keep a little bit of myself to myself and not share everything.. You taught me to love with boundaries and how to use secrets to hurt.. You taught me nothing can be solved by finger pointing and blame and lastly, you taught me not to fight for something that’s worthy, only if outside forces approve that we were worthy.. You taught me a lot. Good and bad… I don’t know why you’re on my mind lately… Maybe because you’re getting married and I’m still trying to figure things out or maybe because I just turned 47 and still single or maybe I’m romanticizing what we had… I don’t know… but what I do know is love doesn’t conquer all….

-aDr

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My friend

Dear friend,

I don’t think you realized what you did for me during your visit. We’ve been friends since we were 14 years old… Through the years, we laughed, cried, bugged out, fought, loved and through it all, our friendship remained constant. Regardless where we are in our lives, I know I am loved and protected by you and this is my wish for my future. When we made the late night jaunt to get food that you didn’t like, I felt protected. I felt safe from your presence alone. Usually when I’m out, I’m on guard. Checking my surroundings, watching my back, my head on a swivel, but not that night. That night, I felt protected. You showed me what quiet confidence looks like. You showed me how I’m supposed to feel around my man: safe, protected. I bet you didn’t even know that’s how you made me feel, did you? I bet you didn’t know that in that moment, you gave me what needs to be added to my list of requirements to God.

You see, I have an image of the kind of man I want in my life. He has to be tall. Kinda thick, you know, have some weight to him. I want to feel protected when I’m with him and a tall, thick man makes me feel that way. Although, confidence is on my list. I failed to add the word, exude. Exude is a verb. It means to come out gradually in drops, emit through pores or small openings like sweat and to project conspicuously or abundantly; ooze out. And that is the kind of confidence I want my man to have. Something so slight but it can be felt by those around him. He brings peace or thunder both attitudes depending upon the aggressor or benevolent. His aura, his presence, his everything will be felt… That is what I want my future to have.. not a false bravado but a quiet confidence. You know that saying: Walk lightly but carry a big stick. That’s who and what he will be… That is who and what people will see him as. That is who and what I will love him as….My gentle giant who walks lightly but carries a big stick..

So I want to thank you my friend for bringing this to light. I want to thank you for the slumber party that brought back so many memories of us being kids when everything was simple and we were naive enough to think things would never change.. One thing hasnt tho…. our friendship and the love and respect we have for one another..

Until the next slumber party….

-aDr

The Homegirl

I am the home girl,
the go to girl,
the fun girl,
the chill girl,
it’s like hanging with my boys girl.
I’m that cool.
I am the one that soothes you,
moves you,
uplifts you
and loves you.
I listen to your thoughts,
your dreams,
your fears,
your wants
and your needs. …
I am your everything….
Until some other need needs to be fulfilled then I’m the
…in the way girl,
I need some space girl,
and it’s not you but me girl
and I get my heart handed to me
and my back kicked in.
My world turned upside down
until I make it right again. .
Then I’m the cool girl,
the I’ll be aiiite girl,
the I’ll pick up my pieces and move on girl .
Get back in the groove of being me..
Get back in the groove of loving me. … No longer being that girl.
the pick up your pieces girl. .
to be your sounding board,
your diary..
your everything girl.
Just me..
Picking up my pieces,
being my sounding board,
my diary,
my everything. ..
girl.

-aDr

Love Sick

I heard the pain in your voice, the defeat, the frustration, the hurt… The realness of it all. I wanted to hold you, love you, rub your beard and tell you everything would be okay, but I couldn’t. Not because you wouldn’t let me but because you caused the pain. You pushed and pushed until the door slammed behind me. You see, when I’m in your arms, when I’m in your face, when I’m with you, in your bed, I feel sexy, beautiful, loved, and wanted, but I felt none of those things. I felt alone, abandoned, uncared for, unloved… So, I went searching. Searching for something, for someone who would feed the need, give me the attention I craved, to fill the void that was left by you, by your presence, by your love. What I found, couldn’t, compare, didn’t measure up. Couldn’t… Measure… Up. He wasn’t you. Plain and simple. He couldn’t touch me like you.  Couldn’t love me like you. couldn’t… couldn’t fuck me like you. He simply… wasn’t…you. This isn’t to gas you up or to blow smoke up ya ass.. It’s what I’m feeling, how I’m feeling and about who I’m loving.

I put pen to paper, or finger to keyboard, when I’m frustrated and need to release the thoughts swimming in my head. I wish you were my release, my keyboard, my pen and paper.. Shit, I wish you were a lot of things.  I wish we were a lot things. I wish we could be a lot of things.. like us…

…the ramblings of a lovesick woman.

 

-aDr

The Fun Guy

It seems strange to meet someone in an online group and never meet face to face; yet, this is my life. I met this tall, brown cutie in a Facebook group several months ago. The group I saw him in is very risqué. He posted a dick shot — an amazing dick shot. Wait, let me explain. In this group, we share various things.We discuss relationships, dates, mishaps and general every day stuff, as well as, showing nude pictures and videos. I’ve seen him interact with different women and even witness some of his messages he sent to another woman, my friend. I was shocked when he was inboxed me. I didn’t see the reason for him to be. Fuck he want, I thought? I mean, I knew what he wanted but didn’t know why he was in my inbox… with the hello beautifuls and I hope you have a good day…yadda yadda yadda. Man, please.. I gave him the side eye and deleted his messages and kept it moving. I didn’t take him serious. Why would I? Look where I first saw him? Dick pic is where I was first introduced to him… first noticed him, SEEN him.. briefly saw his name, didn’t know his name or couldn’t recall it if asked, because I was focused on his man.. saw his man before I saw him… Fuck I’m taking him serious for?

A couple months passed and he pops up in my inbox again. This time I bite. I couldn’t tell you why I did, I just did. We spoke briefly.. nothing heavy, very light. What’s up? Nothing… and then nothing. This ping pong conversation lasted a few days, a couple weeks… Then, the conversation started getting longer….. and longer… and then he gave me his number. I stared at the number for a minute… a long minute.. Why should I call? Do I want to call? He’s not serious… I didn’t want to be serious I want to have fun… and he looks like he could be “fun”. …So let’s have fun…

But for the fact that I’ve never seen him or been with him physically, amazes me. I’m amazed that I like him so much by mere conversation. That I want to be with him, sleep with him, wake up to him and be his….how can this be? How could this happen? This was supposed to be “fun”.. that’s it. . Let’s have some fun, kick it, go eat and be out.. nowhere did it say, fall…. Fall? You mean, trip and skin your knee, fall, right? Or. .or. ..miss a step and fall, right? Not fall like have actual feelings for this man? Feelings like, I wonder where he is, what he’s doing, did he eat, is he okay, does he need me or anything or I could really see myself with this guy feelings? How could this happen? Not to sound shallow but he is not my type. .. He’s not tall enough or big enough.. and by big, I mean weight. I like them 6’3+ weighing 275 to 350lbs …but he is deliciously chocolate and he has small children…. I’m so done with that, that baby momma drama bullshit.. I like men with grown children… the fuck you thought? But he does talk and will speak to me for hours on the phone… something that’s very important to me. ..Our first conversation was filled with laughter, smiles and deep thought leaving me wanting more. .. I wanted to know more. I wanted him to be in town so I could see him, touch him, KNOW him. ..get to know the him that’s in him, ya’mean? He made me rethink my “type”… He’s made me rethink a lot of things. ..He’s making me rethink this love thing again. .. He’s making me want love again. ..He’s making me wanna change my whole shit up and get close. ..let him get close. .let him in. .I’m curious to see if he can love me from the inside out…if he can touch my soul. .not just physically but emotionally, mentally? If he would allow himself to be opened to this love thing. ..? But, fuck. …can we at least meet?

-aDr

The Wrong Guy

I think I fucked up.. I fell for the wrong guy.. He’s just my type: Tall, brown, big, muscular – looks like he could play pro football, beautiful with the biggest, prettiest smile I have ever seen on a man, coupled with low self esteem, a touch of insecurity and emotionally unavailable.. Just the way I like them! So why wouldn’t I fall for him? Sounds just like a dream come true, doesn’t he? “The Beautiful ones will hurt you every time”, ain’t that what Prince sang about?
I saw the signs, the red flags, the stop sign! But my pussy didn’t… She doesn’t have eyes or ears – just feelings. Her feelings lead her to think she’s in 8control… She thinks just because the dick feels good, going in slow and touching her most intimate spot and makes her quiver and shake and gets her super wet that she is in control. She thinks that filling her to capacity length and width, making the dick swell and get thicker and wider, that she is in control… She thinks because she is the one receiving and working overtime that she is indeed in control.. She thinks because she feels that she has a heart and she wants to live and love thru her heart that she is in control.  She thinks her feelings are more important than mine, but she is sadly mistaken… She thinks she does have a heart… a STRONG heart with an even STRONGER heartbeat and that’s
the reason I fall in love thru my pussy all the time.
-aDr

Shades of Blue

Think of me in shades of blue

Lonely, sad and cobalt blue

Vibrant, soft and baby blue

Smiling, laughing and violet blue

 

Think of me in shades of blue

Purple, navy and feeling new

Alive and breathing

slowly seeing… the realities of you….

 

Think of me in shades of blue…

Wanting, loving, missing you

Moving swiftly away from you…

Yearning, pining, falling for you…

 

….in lovely, beautiful shades of blue..

-aDr

Bad Intentions

I had no intention on liking you. My intent was to go out with you, have an ok time with you and keep it moving, away from you. I didn’t expect to have fun with you, laugh with you, have decent conversation with you or leave smiling because of you.. This was not my intent.. I broke my own rules for you. Rule #1: no small kids. Rule #2: No second chances… Broke em both for you.. You stood me up or waited too late.. either way we didn’t go out as planned initially… Had I followed my own rules, I wouldn’t be writing this now… You wouldn’t be reading this now. I couldn’t have recited this now. But you did it, round of applause for you. You’ve accomplished whatever goal you set out to do and I applaud you. I, on the other .hand, am left dangling without you.. I knew I fucked up when I slept with you. I thought it was right.. thought our vibe was cool.. thought we were cool.. thought I was safe with you.. However, as I left that morning, I felt our vibe shift, our world shifted. I knew that would be the last of anything between us, would be the last of everything between us.. I knew then we were through.. But you proved me wrong, showed me up, you called, reached out even tho it felt, off. You continued to reach out with no real effort to link up… You already left.. So your sudden departure shouldn’t have thrown me, yet, it did. It threw me for a loop, put a monkey wrench in my program, threw shit in my game.. But it’s cool.. I dig where you are, who and what you are… It’s not you, it’s me.. Well.. it’s not me, it is you.. or us.. or we.. or nah..

Peace

-aDr