Idle Thoughts

Lately I’ve been thinking about you a lot.. Random memories.. Our laughter.. When we hung out… Your hands and the what ifs and could be’s, possibles and maybes… Like what if we tried harder, could we have been something more? I doubt it, though. I believed we ran our course, no matter how hard we tried. The love was there but not the will… The will to do what it would take to make it work had long been gone… The desire to put all else aside and focus on what was important had left early on… The remnants was just flavor… Sprinkled about, scattered… Neither of us wanted to admit fault or defeat so we held on… Not realizing holding on does more harm than letting go… Not realizing we are wasting time and letting life pass us by…Not realizing the longer we hold on, the farther apart we will be and resentment would grow… Holding on was detrimental to both of us. We just didn’t know at that time. But, what were we really holding onto? Memories of days gone, love lost, crazy arguments and physical fights, lies, other people and drama…. What exactly were we holding onto? The good times: the laughter, the love, the tight knit friendship, the Bonnie & Clyde aspect of us… You and me against the world, that undeniable, impenetrable, unyielding, inseparable force that we once were when we were in love…was that it? I don’t know. Do you have regrets? Would you do it all over again? I would in a heartbeat… You taught me valuable lessons.. You showed me your version of a woman…You taught me to fully love unconditionally until there were conditions.. You taught me to keep a little bit of myself to myself and not share everything.. You taught me to love with boundaries and how to use secrets to hurt.. You taught me nothing can be solved by finger pointing and blame and lastly, you taught me not to fight for something that’s worthy, only if outside forces approve that we were worthy.. You taught me a lot. Good and bad… I don’t know why you’re on my mind lately… Maybe because you’re getting married and I’m still trying to figure things out or maybe because I just turned 47 and still single or maybe I’m romanticizing what we had… I don’t know… but what I do know is love doesn’t conquer all….

-aDr

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